“You have anxiety,” the doctor said. My heart instantly started racing and my palms became sweaty. “What does that mean for me both currently and long-term?” “Hopefully, this won’t be a long-term issue. It’s highly possible that when you graduate, all your stress will be alleviated and you will go back to feeling like your normal self.” “How do I treat it?” “I’m going to prescribe you some medication. Take it every morning and you should start to feel more calm soon.”
That was the conversation that began my 2022. December was an awful month. I had to take a week off of work because of a mystery illness which would eventually lead to a diagnosis of anxiety. There was peace for a few days until my body began trying to grow accustomed to a new medication. I had panic attacks every night for two weeks. They would slowly decrease over the next few weeks, but it was still a difficult time. I experienced numb extremities almost daily. I found myself sleeping any time I got the chance, because naps were the only time I could get decent sleep.
Now, in October, I don’t feel those same symptoms nearly as often. I’ve had to relearn how to take care of my body. I go to bed early, limit my caffeine intake, make sure I eat three solid meals a day (no more snacking all day, which is a real bummer), and I don’t go out after dark as much. I have a cutoff time for homework which has been a phenomenal help to me. It has been a challenging transition, but as God is so quick to remind me, He is there for every step and has planned for every struggle. I find myself clinging to the truths found in His Word and constantly praying way more often these days. There is always beauty coming from ashes. ALWAYS.
For most of the past few months, that is what my struggles have felt like – the completely destroyed life from before, burnt to a crisp. However, despite the hardships and the arthritis acting up something crazy, I’ve been able to remind myself of the joy I have in Christ. Whether it’s a worship song, or a laughing spell with a tiny human, I know that there is always joy in Him. Sometimes, we may forget we have it and have to go on a hunt to get it back, but it is always there waiting for us.
I don’t share any of this for sympathy, but rather as a support and encouragement. There are thousands of believers who deal with anxiety day in and day out. If you are one of those people, I want you to know that you aren’t dealing with anxious thoughts because you don’t love the Lord enough or aren’t a good Christian. Your brain works differently and is often at war with your heart. God knows that and He doesn’t judge you for it. I am so sorry for any negative experience you may have had sharing with someone at church. I am a big believer that there is freedom in sharing struggles and being honest with both yourself and everyone else. That does NOT mean it is easy or that there won’t be consequences. You are not less than. Period.
To those of you who don’t believe that anxiety, depression, and other similar disorders are real, let me tell you that they are 100% real and 100% life altering. I implore you to research, speak with Christians who actually have these conditions, and to pray about your perspective of them. You have the ability to feel that way because you have most likely never experienced them yourself. I pray you never do experience them, but I also pray that you will open your eyes to other people’s reality and that your heart will break for and with them.
Despite all of this, I want to say, I’m not better. I’m not going to torture myself with dreams of being better either, but I am going to pray that God would teach me how to lessen the stressful load in my life so that there is a higher chance of better becoming my reality. I’m going to pray that I learn how to focus more completely on Him and to find myself hoping in His continual goodness. There will be good to come out of this, I know that for sure.
As the world is in the midst of celebrating World Mental Health Day, I wanted to take the time to share my story and my struggle. Life is, quite unfortunately, not all sunshine and rainbows, but God is good. I have no idea how someone could cope with anxiety or depression without the built-in joy of being saved by the King of the World. I don’t understand how a person could come to terms with such a diagnosis without the peace which surpasses all understanding. It’s the strangest sensation, this feeling of anxiousness combined with unexplainable peace. The only way I can describe it is by saying, it’s like there is a limit to how anxious I can get. I can get upset about a plethora of things and feel immense pressure, but there’s always a point where it stops and the peace of God starts. Peace comes rushing in reminding me that I am not in control and how good it is that I am not. The God Who isn’t anxious over anything is in control of it all and He will not let me feel so destroyed for no purpose. That fact is beautiful.
So, what does all this mean for the Readers? Well, let me tell you. Anxious people – seek help. If I had not sought help, I don’t know where I would be today. It wouldn’t be a good place, that’s for certain. You don’t have to take medication, if you don’t want to. There are plenty of other ways to get help. In my circumstance, life is entirely too busy to find the extra time to regularly meet with a therapist or counselor. However, it’s something I would like to look into after graduation (when life hopefully has some more structure and downtime). Christians who don’t believe in anxiety/depression – seek help. Speak with Christians who cope with these conditions on a daily basis. Read books about anxiety and depression from a Christian perspective (I’ve included some recommendations below). Most importantly for each person reading this is, read the Bible, pray, and hear God’s voice on the matter. He provides the best advice and comfort of Anyone out there and I promise you that it is the sweetest thing to walk with Him.
Anxious Christian, rejoice in God’s goodness and look for His kindnesses when you’re at your lowest. It’s worth it.
Love,
A Christian with Anxiety.
BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS!
- When the Darkness Will Not Lift by John Piper (this one will take a while to work through)
- Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado (this one changed my life. 10/10!)